Kate-Madonna

The day was Tuesday. My feet were in stirrups and in my mind, I was
another place entirely. It was a routine visit to my gynecologist and
I was routinely annoyed about having to take time away from work to be
here. Naked from the waist down, rolling my eyes I thought, "I'm 26
years old. I'm healthy. It's ridiculous I need to be here." I used to
be someone who thought I was above the noise of cancer. Because I used
to be entirely too involved in my own life to worry about being sick,
or something actually going wrong.

I grew up in a family of survivors. I was adopted as a baby, and
joined a family that included a thyroid cancer survivor, a mother with
diverticulitis and a father that almost died of a brain aneurysm. I
learned from a young age that bad news, is just a success story
waiting to happen. I didn't fear illness, what I feared was more
complex. It was the slowing down, the refocusing and the loss of
identity I feared most. As my brain wondered, I heard the doctor say,
"I need to take a closer look at your cervix."

I'll be honest. Before that day, the cervix was something in my body
I knew nothing about. If you asked me to identify my cervix, I could
very well have pointed to my spleen, or my vagina, itself. Growing up
in a Catholic school and education awarded me no favors. Sex was
dirty, and the body parts that involved sex were sinful. After having
my daughter, (Ava,) I agreed less and less with those philosophies,
but these teachings become ingrained in WHO we are. My beautiful
body, that had pushed out 7lbs, 10oz of pure perfection in my
daughter, was now being examined under a bright light. Maybe it was
the entire procedure, but as I silently celebrated what I had done, I
was being inspected for defects. After having a series of abnormal pap
smears, this was the first time it was actually being investigated.

"Your entire cervix is covered with dysplasia. Has another doctor ever
done a colposcopy?" I had no idea what those words even meant. I
remember shaking my head no, and wondered if the birth of my daughter
had left me disfigured and ugly. Maybe it meant that where a once
beautiful cervix lain, mine was filled with potholes and eyesores. He
started scraping then, right in the office. He explained that where a
healthy cervix was pink, mine was white.

I didn't worry much. My mother explained that abnormal pap smears
happen. Then I received a phone call. I, had HPV. I didn't know how
to tell my family. I was already reeling over the fact I had just had
a baby as a single parent and my parents had enough on their plate.
The moment I typed, "HPV" into my google search, I knew instantly. I
had unusual symptoms for a year or so before my daughter was born.
Abnormal pap smears, pain, cramping. My old gynecologist told me not
to worry. I didn't think twice. What my old gynecologist had done,
was ignored symptoms of a potentially serious HPV infection. The
reason I switched doctors was because I had a nagging feeling. In my
first office visit, the new doctor caught immediately what was going
on. To me, this is one of the largest issues with how women cope with
HPV. We are not educated. We are marginalized. We are taught to
FEAR information and that our doctors are always right. What might
have happened if I continued to ignore the symptoms, might have cost
me my life.

In a week, I was in the hospital for a LEEP procedure. My margins,
were not clear. My gynecologist described the LEEP as, "Star Wars
Gynecology." As a geek, I loved the reference. As a woman, I imagined
lasers cutting through my flesh and destroying the 'dark side' of who
I was; a woman living with HPV. I had another LEEP procedure, then a
cone biopsy. They cut and lasered and destroyed. They never told me
that I would have pieces of ash coming from my body.

A month after the procedure, I went in for a checkup. To my doctor's
amazement, it was BACK. Nothing was solved. I was never given
materials to read, or a support group to join. I found, TeamInspire
by the National Cervical Cancer Coalition and Tamika and Friends
online. Suddenly, I was sitting in a room full of women, just like
me. They listened to my tears of frustration and suggested a diet.
Suddenly, whole grains replaced starches. MSG was cut completely out
of my diet. Acidic foods with sugar, were not in my diet vocabulary.
I ate healthy food. I drank vitamin shakes and I started practicing a
life that involved yoga and laughter. Cancer diet, was my new fad. I
started losing chunks of my hair to stress. I was a single mother who
refused chemo or radiation. I was terrified.

Going into my 3rd colposcopy, I was armed with information. I asked
the right questions and my doctor answered truthfully. I was faxed
copies of my medical records and received 2nd and 3rd opinions. I was
now, empowered. I had a cold-knife biopsy in the office. The news
was much better. What I lost in my hair, I gained confidently in my
knowledge. I was given an IUD as my doctor explained it helped with
the risk of Cervical Cancer. After further research, I realized that
the IUD device actually can PROMOTE cervical cancer. The IUD also
exasperates hair loss. I lost 30% of the hair on the top of my head.
In a fit of anger and frustration, I contemplated shaving my head. My
insurance refused to pay for the removal of my IUD, so I paid out of
pocket.

This was all 3 years ago. I can hardly believe it was ME, looking
back. Today, my hair has grown back and my cervix is pouting. I've
only had one 'normal' pap smear since this all began. I focus on
eating healthy foods, sleeping well and staying informed about my
health. I also focus on empowering others. I was afraid to speak out
and be labeled with the term, "HPV."

Being informed, changed my life. I might have followed the second
doctor's advice and had a radical hysterectomy. I might have
immediately gone through other procedures. I charted the pros and
cons to every decision. I was intelligent and empowered. Today, my
beautiful, (and mutilated,) cervix is 30% intact. Because of LEEP
procedures and others, I was told I have lost a majority of my cervix.
I'll never carry a child to full-term, they also say. They also said
that I would never be able to keep my cervix.

I don't believe in the 'nevers' of life anymore. None of us are above
a car crash, cancer or the blessings of living long lives. What we
are above, is being treated as numbers; being dissected and made to
feel less than whole. We are taught to trust the system, but that is
exactly what we cannot do. We must trust in ourselves and the beauty
of education. The day I found the NCCC and Tamika and Friends changed
my life. I vow to change others.

Since 2006, I've had 3 PET scans, 11 gynecology visits, 3 Leeps and 5
colposcopies. I've had 2 biopsies and more fiber, veggies and yoga
than nearly anyone I know. I've also had 3 years, filled with grace
and determination. And several episodes of coming to terms with the
fact that I am not a victim of cancer or HPV, I am a survivor. Our
sicknesses do not define us. If we are lucky, we define them. My
cancer cells used my body to thrive, but I ultimately had the last
word. I have no delusions that they will never re-emerge. I had a
very aggressive form. What I do know though, is that my confidence in
myself and what my body can do far outweighs the fear that used to
reside inside me. It does each of us no good to stay silent about our
struggles. We need to remember that.